|
Post by A S A R on Jul 1, 2010 13:02:12 GMT -6
IVE BEEN SO HOLLOW INSIDE!
Time, love, and death.
Three difficult concepts that most beings had a hard time coping with.
Time. The complex dimension was something every young horse or wolf believes they have, the clock is theirs to manipulate (or perhaps they can literally stop the clock for just a few seconds), time stretches before them in a manner that does not seem daunting to them, but one day when they look down the corridors time has set aside, they will see that out the window of the time train, life is speeding by not allowing them a second to breathe. Before they know it age has set in their bones, making them creak and crack, even the slightest movement could cause pain. Once they step out of line, they realize that time was so short, they didn’t even have a chance to live.
Love. If the mare could regale stories of the infinite numbers of ‘love’ cases she had experienced, the stories would never end. The number one request from the dead was to see their lover one last time. Perhaps the two ended on bad terms, perhaps a final goodbye was never said, or perhaps they died for their lover and just wanted them to know how much they loved them. The first few cases she took care of had broken her heart, completely immersed in their tales, but as the number of love cases grew, the colder her heart got. Now, she doesn’t even shed a tear when a pitiful story of lovers torn apart. In a sense, love in her own mind had ‘died’.
Death. It is only natural for most to be terrified of how their life ends. Perhaps for a short while Saga was scared as well, until she realized there are terrible ways to die. Many stories she gets from the dead are gruesome and bloody, they make her skin crawl even years after she first started hearing their tales. In a sense, Saga cannot wait until that faithful day comes and her heart stops beating. She already has plans for her afterlife- to apologize to the pain she caused every single being that returned to the earth nothing more than a hollow shell. She will beg for their forgiveness, seek salvation for her sins.
All three things, Saga understood completely.
However, her views are of course naturally twisted. For her, the one who’s watching the clock waiting for her time to end, there is no ‘time’ to neither fear death nor feel love. Emotions, all robbed by her own self-created suffering. Sometimes she wondered how she would feel about her powers if she had not resurrected someone close to her and experienced their pain. Perhaps there would be far more ghosts in the world than ever before. But she understands their pain, even the pain of the living to watch one they love suffer in an empty way. For the most part, she was content with being alone; it meant she did not have to deal with her own time, love or death.
Sadly, her present company was quickly proving her wrong.
A childish, semi-frozen heart started to beat for the first time in years and she wanted more. The stories of love, friendship, and companionship that she had heard were beginning to take hold on her heart and control her every action. Already she was praying for the night to ever end. If she could stop time’s relentless march onward into the future she would. It would be wonderful! The moon would never stop glistening off the river’s clear surface, she would not have to deal with parting from her new found friend when dawn breaks over Palmyra, and most importantly she would not have to deal with the dead.
Most importantly, she would not be alone.
The years of solitude had done little to mend the gaping hole left in her aging heart. It was still bleeding, still desperate for something more from life. To be honest, she didn’t even seek love, she just wanted that connection. For a short time, she convinced herself that she had found it in curing the dead’s problems, but now, forced to reckon with ‘real life’ for the first time in ages, she was quickly realizing that she was depriving herself.
But what was one to do when the incessant cries for help rang in her head day in and day out?
Saga believed that if she buried everything she’d be just fine, but the scabs have been torn off and she is bleeding all over again, just the sound of his voice makes her want more. A stray thought reminded her that she could ask him to join her on her journey; a worthy companion he would be…but the selfless side of her told her that it would be wrong. Her life was not one for any other to dip their delicate feet into; she walked her untraveled path frightfully alone. Listening to him speak brought a simple, content smile to her face, allowing her mind to take several pictures of this moment and store them away forever, mere moments of her life available to call upon should the need arise.
It warmed her heart to know that she was not outcasted by everyone she met.
Slowly walking beside him down the river she kept one ear pointed towards him, and one straight ahead and a watchful eye on the souls begging for release in the river, Well, actually there are no piranhas in the river down here, they reside farther up, but you have to understand that this world we live in has seen a particularly bloody few eras, and really if you knew the history of that river that I know, you’d never want to step foot in it again, but really it’s not fair I ruin the fun for everyone. Still half-way lost in her thoughts she offered him a half-hearted smile as she stopped talking. The silence between the two was far from awkward, as if old friends were just enjoying their company, and Saga didn’t quite want to break it, but questions kept nagging at her mind begging to be asked, but most she pushed to the back.
Still one question kept coming back, seeking an answer and she knew her mind could not rest until she knew.
Stopping their peaceful stroll she turned and looked at him with an expression of both concern and seriousness, I can understand if you will not want to answer my question, but you have to also understand that most horses I come across do not inquire about my powers as much as you do unless they have a reason, and believe me, if I can do something to help you, I will…you know. Other than bringing back whoever you lost…I apologize for breaking the happiness, but by nature I’m used to the morbidity of death, it is very out of character for me to enjoy the light for very long. Is there someone dear to you that you lost, Valentine? I can see the gleam of emptiness in your eyes; I’m no stranger to hollow emotions. She broke off and looked at the moon, I can talk to them if you’d like… She looked back at Valentine, If I were you, I wouldn’t pass off the chance for a bit of clarity, that would be just as foolish as standing in a river of piranahs, wouldn’t it? She hoped the smile on her face said it all.
A creature born to help knows that they will die helping, so why not help as many as one can physically endure?
Valentine was just one more case, one more story of heartbreak.
No variation to her lifestyle at all.
Pity.
|
|
|
Post by * - - RENEGADE ! on Jul 1, 2010 15:38:44 GMT -6
LET'S CONSPIRE TO RE-IGNITE .. .. ... .. ... .. .. . .. ... There were no piranhas in this part of the river.
That was definitely the highlight of his night. Well, okay, maybe not the absolute best thing of the night, but it was most certainly up there. Certainly within the top five things about tonight. Maybe the top three. But whatever, it was near the top somewhere. That comment actually made him relax for a while, allowing him to take the one eye he had been keeping on the river away so he could focus more on where he was going. Yes, he had still been trying to find those little buggers. Valentine wasn’t an expert on piranhas and he had been scared that they might leap out of the river and eat him. He would have nightmares about that for sure. Still, it must be an improvement on his usual nightmares.
Without doubt, that second where he took his one-eyed gaze off the river was indeed, reassuring. That was, until he heard the next words out of Saga’s mouth. Then his eye immediately shot back, once again, to the water. What could be so bad that it would make him not want to go into the river? Of course there was the war, but what would that have to do with the river? Maybe there had been a battle here? Still, he wouldn’t mind bathing in the water even after that. Surely it was clean enough by now, right? Nagging questions bit at the back of his mind, working their way throughout him and eventually into his throat, crawling out his mouth before he could stop them. “Why, what happened?” Luckily the words did not come out too quickly nor sounding too eager. “You’re not ruining the fun, don’t worry. Hah, if I hadn’t met you, what fun would I be having? Standing in the river, staring blankly at the moon, being slowly nibbled to death by the piranhas...” He snorted loudly out his nose, freaked out by the very thought. He could just feel them...nibbling at his ankles...it made him shudder. “That sure doesn’t sound like much fun to me!”
Daring to take his eye off the river, Valentine turned his head to look at the mare beside him. True, he was greatly enjoying her company, but he couldn’t help but feel that she wasn’t all there... Although he couldn’t blame her, with the way their conversation had been tonight, anyone would feel just a bit unsettled. He would be lying if he said he didn’t even feel the slightest unnerved. All this talk of death, ghosts and bringing the dead back to life wasn’t the most uplifting conversation one could have. Not to mention the piranhas... Valentine couldn’t get those stupid fish out of his head. Great.
He shook his head to clear his thoughts, loose hair falling off and being caught by the light breeze, carried off into the night air. His mane and fur was already drying and he was left with the sticky moist feeling. But the night air would soon rid his body of that, making him just a bit more comfortable. Although he had thought it would be quite hard to achieve that as he already felt almost entirely at ease in the company of the grey mare. Despite having only known her for a short while. This was perhaps the longest and deepest conversation he had had with another in a very long time.
He returned her half-hearted smile, adding the other half himself and closed his eyes in contentment. He was happy just enjoying the short silence between the two of them, listening to the sound of their hoofbeats on the soft grass and the gentle lapping of the water at the banks of the river. Considering the peacefulness of this scene, it was hard to imagine that the tensions existed between the two alliances or that the land had been ravaged by war so terrible that, even countless years later, it’s marks were still left on the land. But then, Valentine, for one, had always been oblivious to the goings on of the others, even if he did belong to the white alliance. Valentine was content in his own little world and he was content with the peace now. He was completely at ease.
So it completely threw him when Saga spoke next.
Blue eyes widened and he tried to hide his slight gasp as he stopped walking as well. Of course...of course he had been curious as to how her power worked. He had wanted to know the details, the insides and outsides of it. From the very moment she had told him she could talk to the dead. From the very moment he had learned that she could raise the dead. If it would mean he could have a second chance. A chance to apologise, to make things right, to be happy again. A chance to regain the very meaning to his life. He would have jumped through hoops to bring her back. But then he had learnt the sad truth of the matter. Sure it was possible to bring the dead back to life, but it was also...not. Meaning they came back in body (did they? He wasn’t too sure on the details of that, having never seen one before), but their minds, their souls didn’t return with them. Hey were empty, hollow beings. That was what Saga had told him. That was what he himself had been like so many years ago. It was truly a cruel world.
Thinking of her words, Valentine was tempted not to answer, to say nothing, to keep his feelings, his past locked inside himself. He was sure he had lost the key ages ago, anyway. He looked down at the ground, focussing his eyes on the blades of grass between his hooves. Sure, he didn’t want to speak of his past mistakes to anyone, sure he wasn’t obligated to speak of them now...but...
It couldn’t have been easy for Saga to talk of her past. It couldn’t have been easy for her to talk of her powers. But she had still indulged him with answers to his many questions. It was only fair that he should return the favour. “...I...”
‘What are you doing?’
An angry voice hissed inside the stallion’s head as he opened his mouth to reply, stopping him in his tracks. Apparently his inner self was getting pretty pissed off at him. It had kept itself quiet until now, but the fact that he was going to reveal the pain he carried in his chest to another –a mare especially- was just too much. This was the part of him that wouldn’t, couldn’t let go of the past. The part that clung on for dear life, never letting anyone get too close unless they could soothe the pain in anyway. Usually, he would turn tail and run when they started with his past.
So what was he doing now? Why did he feel so...so...drunk on this mare that he couldn’t just leave now. Why was he so scared? If she learned that he had been responsible...would she leave him? Maybe he should just go. Maybe he should just change the topic. But...
No.
That wouldn’t be fair. She had spoken about painful topics to him, he should have the courtesy to do the same for her. Taking a deep breath and pushing the little voice down to the deepest, darkest parts of his mind, Valentine looked up into her eyes and began to speak, voice fragile.
“Hollow emotions, huh?” he started trying to keep his voice cheerful, but to no avail. “I guess you could say that. You’re very perceptive...And yes. I did lose someone dear to me. Someone I loved from the deepest depths of my heart. Someone I believed I couldn’t live without. But don’t worry, I won’t ask you to bring her back. I don’t know if I could take that, I don’t know if I could face her now after so long.” He averted his eyes once more to the ground and continued to talk. “Before I met her, I had no reason to live. There was just no point. It wasn’t as if I had had a particularly bad foalhood, it was just...It’s hard to explain but...I just felt empty. What was the point? What was the point in living and doing nothing? I lived the first couple of years of my life not unlike those who are brought back to life. Hollow, empty, emotionless. But..when I met Katrina...I had meaning again. Suddenly the world seemed to be in colour once more. I was so happy with her, happier than I had ever been..just being in her presence was like paradise. She knew she was the reason I lived. She knew what I had been like before I met her. Not wanting me to return to that state, she asked me what I would do if she died. I told her I’d die that day too. So we promised each other that we would go together but...one day..she..died and, and I couldn’t follow her. At the time, I didn’t want to. And then, when I realised I wanted to go after her, I was too scared. To scared to face her after breaking my promise...”
Choking back a small sob, Valentine raised his head towards the stars, allowing one small tear to leave a salty track down his face. He couldn’t believe that he had said that much to this mare, he had never talked about his past to anyone. Of course, he had omitted some of the details on this occasion. He was sure she’d leave him if she knew how Katrina had died.
After a small moment of silence, Valentine turned his gaze back to Saga and looked at her with glistening eyes.
“I won’t ask you to talk to her for me. I don’t know if I could handle it and I don’t want to give you the bother...Death is inevitable...maybe we shouldn’t dwell on it so much.” Trying his best to put on a wide smile, Valentine covered the hurt in his voice with a fake cheerful tone. “But, ah! The whole point of our conversing was to block out all those noises in your head! I say we go for a gallop, that’ll certainly clear our heads, eh? And maybe we’ll be quicker at getting away from those piranhas, I swear, they’re following me!”
Though, for the most part, this was just a quick tactic to get the mood back to the way it had been, Valentine felt as though –even if it was just a little- a weight had been lifted from his chest. Maybe he had been mistaken all along. It didn’t just take time to heal a wound...
.... ........ .. ........ ALL THE SOULS THAT WOULD DIE JUST TO FEEL ALIVE
|
|
|
Post by A S A R on Jul 1, 2010 16:21:34 GMT -6
IVE BEEN SO HOLLOW INSIDE!
It did not occur to her until he hesitated to answer her question that she was asking a lot of her friendly stranger.
Where had her manners gone?
The reluctant look in his eyes told her that there was nothing he wanted to tell her. She wondered if he was feeling obligated to tell her about his life. Was he assuming she had a hard time talking about her friend? She was used to sharing her only sad experience in her life as an attempt to calm frustrated and lost souls just looking for a way out, a way to put their spirit to rest. Sure, the first few times she could not get through them without choking up, but it was like taking cuts from a knife every time she told the story- the first few cuts were the worst, agonizing but eventually the pain numbed away and she was just left with a bleeding heart and hollow story. After the hundredth retelling or so, the story itself had also lost the oomph it contained when the incident had been a new hole in her heart.
In a way, the grey mare was as heartless as the Black Alliance.
But she was not as selfish as them, her motives were completely different. Some would have taken her powers and ran with them, abused them to raise an army of listless dead. They had no real thoughts; such an army would be so easy to control. But not Saga, no. She was terrified of her power, each soul she brought back was another weight on her shoulders, and she was unwilling to bear the pain for much longer. The very idea of it made her sick to her stomach; if she could she would throw up.
You don’t have to-
Before she could stop him he was telling her his story. Cocking a hind leg she relaxed and listened to his story, closing her eyes and imagining the golden stallion before her wandering through life so empty, listless, hollow, and without direction in his life. Just like the souls she brought back. Then when he told her of the mare a pretty chestnut mare popped into her mind, it seemed to her that their happiness and love was unbreakable. Saga was immersed in his story, she felt the happiness he may have felt, and maybe the tugging at her heart was a feeling of love, knowing how he felt. But when he told her of when Katrina died her heart plummeted down to her stomach. It’s almost as if the mare’s death came as a surprise to her- but she knew better, this was a story of loss, of course Katrina died.
She noticed he did not mention how.
However, that did not bother her, Saga had heard plenty of gruesome stories about a lover’s death, whether it be by their own teeth, claws, or hooves, or by another’s she knew the story far too well. His story was no different, nothing she hadn’t heard before. But what struck her as odd was that he did not want to talk to her. But she had heard that as well, ashamed lovers and family members too deep in their self pity and shame that talking to the deceased loved one was very much out of the question. She did not question his decision aloud, merely questioned it in her mind. But she questioned everyone’s decision when they didn’t want to talk to their dearly departed.
Why would the pass up such an option?
Opening her eyes she caught a moonlit tear fall down his face. Furrowing her brow in an upset manner she said, Ack, I upset you. I apologize, my manners have long since died, I forgot that most do not want to talk about painful subjects, I’m just used to goading it out of them with my own story…a story that no longer truly means anything to me. Hold on to your story Valentine, before you lose the meaning, and I humbly respect your decision. She looked back at the river and then back at him, Well, I suppose the river’s only horrible to me because in the first war, when Denari wiped out the wolf pack in Arcova’s forest he had his army dump their bodies in this river, the young, old, dead and dying were left to drown and decay. I’ve heard stories that the river itself was blood red that night. I cannot walk into that river without being bombarded by spirits begging for release from their watery grave. Of course, you won’t find their bones buried in the soil here, their skeletons have long since washed down to the delta and out to sea, but souls stay where they died if they’re stuck.
Listen to me, being so selfish.
The mare smiled at her own personality fault. In ways she was indeed selfish about her decision to find ways around the river and to never touch its waters, but she did not want to deal with the onslaught of voices in her head should she even wade through the river at its shallowest point- it was most certainly not on the top of her priority list. Her morbid demeanor was broke as he suggested they gallop, away from the river away from the piranhas.
In a way, she saw it as a way to run away from everything else as well.
Listen to us, immersing ourselves in such miserable thoughts, I apologize for that. But I must say, I’ll be running from lots of things including your piranhas, I’d like to see you catch me. Giving him a quick smirk she took off, letting herself get lost in the noise of her hooves thundering across the ground, listening to him run with her. It did not matter to her where she ran, but the only thing she knew was that so long as she was running the voices were left long behind, they could not keep up with her, and she was as free as the wind. Excited she let out a buck, pumping her back legs into the air before landing and going on.
Clarity. Sanity. It was all with her as she flew over the ground.
What a desirable high.
|
|
|
Post by * - - RENEGADE ! on Jul 2, 2010 9:33:08 GMT -6
LET'S CONSPIRE TO RE-IGNITE .. .. ... .. ... .. .. . .. ... It was strange.
For the most part of his life, Valentine had either been wandering aimlessly, or he had been wallowing in his own self pity and memories, trying to keep up idle conversations with others to keep his thoughts at bay. For the most part of his life he had felt empty. He may as well have been one of those ghosts that Saga had told him about.
But yet, even in the short amount of time he had known this mare, he suddenly felt as though the emptiness was not so great. The hole in his chest was starting to fill up with her kindness, her words, even just her very presence. It was a strange, yet amazingly beautiful feeling.
Looking over at her he thought, if only she knew.
She had told him about bringing others back and only succeeding in making them empty hollow creatures. He could tell she didn't like the thought of it, she didn't like that burden. But if she could see what she had done to him, would it make her feel better about it? She had opened him up, turned him from a hollow, empty being into someone who felt...alive for the first time in a long time. Although he wasn't completely healed, the fact was there that he was healing. Talking to her, being with her it was like a medicine, a treatment, slowly working to close his wound. Sure there would still be scars, but they would be less painful, they wouldn't eat away at him until there was nothing left.
He had never realised before that all he needed was a friend. Someone close to talk to. He was a fool. And, as he listened to Saga speak again, he began to realise. So was she.
No, he did not mean that in an insulting way, she was such a gentle and kind horse, despite what sorrows she may carry, and he really respected that about her. She was strong; if he had the power she had, he would probably be completely broken by now. Yet here she was, standing beside him, acting like normal despite everything. And apologising for helping him.
But, before he could tell her not to, she had started speaking again. This time, answering his question about the river.
Listening to her, his mouth grew dry and he felt he couldn't speak. What a horrible thing, war was. He couldn't imagine the lives, families, friends, torn apart by it. A whole wolf pack mercilessly killed, with no discrimination, and their bodies so carelessly dumped in the river without remorse! It sickened him. It angered him.
The small area surrounding Valentine's body started to heat up, but he tried to keep his anger low, focussing on the mare's voice instead of thinking about the casualties and injustices of war.
It was such a shame that Saga couldn't bathe peacefully in the river. Was that why she hadn't wanted to set hoof in it before? The souls of an entire wolf pack all trapped here for eternity. What a saddening thought. And poor Saga, who had to listen to the tales of the dead. She must be sick of it, he thought. And tonight she had had to listen to his tale as well. He should never have said anything.
He realised she had stopped speaking and looked up at her. Had she just called herself selfish?
He didn't think of her as selfish. Merely an idiot for calling herself such a thing and then smiling about it.
But again, he opened his mouth too late to speak, the mare's words reaching air before his could. Accepting his offer of a gallop before kicking up dust and running away.
It took Valentine a moment to actually register what was going on. But he soon kicked off against the ground with his hind legs and raced after her, sprinting a little to catch up before falling in line with her just as she landed from a buck.
Laughing, he galloped at her side, not wanting to speak against the noise of their hooves along the ground, but wanting to speak the words he had not got the chance to earlier.
"Listen," he began, voiced raised slightly as he raced alongside her. "You didn't upset me. Don't even think for one second that you did. If anything, you helped. It was good to finally speak about it. I thank you for listening so politely. But I do not believe that your story has lost its meaning..."
Valentine wasn't quite sure what he was trying to say, to be honest. He just couldn't quite get it round his head that a memory like that would lose meaning. It was wrong to think such.
"No, it still has meaning. Perhaps you've gotten used to telling, perhaps you speak of it more often than I speak of mine. But something like that, no matter how many times it's told, does not lose meaning. Your memories, they're not worthless, they're not meaningless. They're special. I think you're just lying to yourself when you say that...Please don't think me rude, but...you're such a fool. We both are..."
He slowed down a little -just a little- and fell a bit behind Saga. Quite unsure of what he was saying. Was he ruining her suddenly happy and carefree mood? But...he felt he needed to say this, maybe he could help her...like she had him...
"Me, I tried to suppress my story, hiding it away from myself and others, trying to forget about it. And you, to me it seems as if you're trying to bury it's meaning. Not forget it, but pretend that it doesn't mean anything to you. I don't believe that for a minute. When your stories start to lose meaning to you...that's when you'll become as one dead; empty. Don't be like that, please. And don't call yourself selfish. You're the least selfish being I have ever known."
Showing his teeth in an enormous grin, Valentine sped up again, revelling in the feeling of the wind rushing through his mane.
He ran beside her again and gently pushed her in the side before speeding in front and letting out a hearty laugh.
"Oh, I'll make sure that those piranhas are left eating my dust and you can join them in their little meal!"
There was nothing more invigorating than a good gallop accompanied by a good laugh. It made him feel as if he were that young, carefree and starry-eyed young stallion once more.
.... ........ .. ........ ALL THE SOULS THAT WOULD DIE JUST TO FEEL ALIVE
|
|
|
Post by A S A R on Jul 2, 2010 10:49:27 GMT -6
IVE BEEN SO HOLLOW INSIDE!
Was this how flying felt?
The wind racing through her mane and tail, the ground rushing beneath her, her heart soaring far beyond her body and all her thoughts left behind. What she wouldn’t give to be an eagle for a day! To have the ability to feel so weightless and carefree for just 24 hours would be a blessing to the unusually morbid mare, what she wouldn’t give to be an eagle for the rest of her life! Oh how she would give everything and anything for such an ability. She envied the horses and wolves that could transform into other creatures, the birds in particular. She wanted their power so desperately, but it was always out of reach. She was forever earth bound, forced to walk the face of the planet dealing with news from the dead until she herself died.
But Saga was not sure that solitude would come even in death.
Like Atlas, it was like the gods had condemned her to an eternity of torture with no end to the punishment in sight. But what she could not figure out was what she had even done to deserve such a thing. Up until she was three (the year she discovered her powers) she was a typical goody two-shoes little filly, always home before dark and loved her mother and father. Perhaps it was an added ‘fuck you’ from fate to add to her plate of suffering when her parents refused to call her ‘daughter’ anymore just because of her supposedly despicable powers. But Saga had long since buried the hurt of abandonment. At least she knew her parents weren’t dead yet, she checked for their obituaries every day, no spirit ever said a thing about her parents.
To a degree, it was very comforting.
As they ran he spoke over the sound of the wind in her ears, she tilted a curious ear his way and listened, but did not slow down when he did, she was running from her problems. While his words warmed her cold heart, she couldn’t help but point out in her mind how wrong he was about her. She understood that it was hard for him to grasp the concept that such a situation could grow numb after a time, laying her ears on the back of her head for a short second she looked at him from the corner of her eye and spoke over the wind, Silly Valentine. I never said my story was worthless or meaningless, but it’s like telling a bedtime story over and over again for years, you get tired of it and you forget what it meant to lose someone. I wish I did bottle up the story, I really do wish I could cry over her, but it’s become obvious to me that crying never solved any of my problems as a child, and crying sure as hell won’t fix anything now, the best thing to do is bite your tongue, bear a painful grin and continue on with life.
Saga was enjoying the fact that she was running from her problems.
In a way, they were both alike, suppressing reality and wandering through life in a hollowed state. He mentioned that she should not fall victim to an emotionless life. For a second, she considered putting on the breaks and reminding him that she was already hollow, she was just a good actor, but decided not to. She saw that he was just trying to help, but she thoroughly believed that a helper needed no help and would forever shy away from any situation that required her asking for help. Being cast out by her parents had taught her to fend for herself, in a way getting help from another was a way of proving she was weak.
And Saga did not want to appear as such.
You forget, Valentine, that I am just as hollow as the dead I resurrect. I have no familiar ties to keep me down, so there’s no need for me to care anymore, is there? My only joy is a job well done, and it appears I have helped you, so congratulations to me, I’m happy for now. So confused. What would it take for her to realize that she was just slowly killing herself? But maybe she wanted that. The guilt ate away at her soul every day and drove her towards madness, the fine line between insanity and sanity was slowly growing thinner, and the close she approached the smaller it got.
Her thoughts were ripped away as he sped off.
A gleeful laugh left her lips and she picked up the pace, knees and hocks bending in perfect unison to bring her almost in line with him again, Piranhas can’t walk on land, but if it motivates you to run faster and catch me then I suppose you’ve got some running to do. Taking a deep breath she stretched out her stride and drew head-to-head.
If she couldn’t beat them she’d make them work for a win.
Wasn’t that how it was supposed to go when victory was nowhere in sight?
|
|
|
Post by * - - RENEGADE ! on Jul 2, 2010 16:27:57 GMT -6
LET'S CONSPIRE TO RE-IGNITE .. .. ... .. ... .. .. . .. ... He would have stopped dead in his tracks.
After listening to her, he should have stopped to tell her just how wrong he felt her thought process was. Was she happy? To stay as hollow as she said she felt for the rest of her life. Could she really, honestly say that that was what she wanted? Valentine didn’t believe that. Or more like, he didn’t want to believe that.
But her words made him concerned for more reasons than this one. When she had said that her only joy was ‘a job well done’. There were no ties to keep her down... It made him feel sad inside. He had thought he had made a friend tonight. Someone he had opened up to and had opened up to him. Had he been mistaken? Had she really only seen him as another cause, a charity case, someone for her to help so she could feel good about herself and then move on? Was that all he was to her? A ‘job’, not a friend.
Perhaps he should have stopped. If he had gotten angry enough, he would have. He would have stopped and perhaps the whole area would be ablaze right now. But instead of being angry, he felt more sad, rejected. Alone.
He continued galloping after her nonetheless. But with less enthusiasm as he had before. But he wouldn’t ruin her limited amount of happiness just because of this. He would follow her advice, put on a smile and continue through the night. If she wanted to leave him then, she could go. It didn’t matter anymore.
Chestnut ears perked up at her joyous laugh and he let out a small chuckle himself, though it lacked the happiness it had earlier in the night. Of course he knew that the piranhas couldn’t walk on land. He may appear stupid at times, but he wasn’t that stupid. Though he wouldn’t mind if the stupid fish did try to walk on the land; maybe then they would die and leave him alone. Or maybe they would annoy Saga, talking about how they missed their chance to chew down on that chestnut coloured stallion. Either way, one of them could lose out. He certainly wouldn’t feel safe in the water now, even more so after hearing the history of the river.
What Valentine hadn’t realised –until now that was- was that he had slowed down somewhat while he had been thinking about all this. Just ahead, Saga was speeding up while he was still slowing down. How silly.
But he stayed behind for a short while. His interpretation of her words was still swirling in his head and he couldn't shake it off. The night would come to an end and, when the sun rose, they would probably go their separate ways. Valentine did not want that.
Maybe at the start of the night, he had only wanted the idle chatter, the short conversation about the weather or the goings on of the world or even places where the nicest grass grew. Just small talk like that. Nothing serious.
Now, having shared a helluva lot about each other, Valentine felt as though he had truly connected with this mare. And now, just as he had been enjoying the sound of their hoofbeats playing against the ground in unison, he realised it would soon be time to part.
This was why Valentine did not like to get close to others. He couldn't take it. It was a sort of phobia he had developed. He was too clingy.
He couldn't stand saying goodbye.
After looking at the moon and seeing that it had travelled a good distance in the sky -time could pass painfully quickly when one didn't want it too- Valentine decided that he should indeed share his thoughts with Saga.
After all, he couldn't spoil a night that was already quickly coming to an end.
Kicking hooves harder into the ground, Valentine worked his muscles and sprinted towards the grey mare, slowly catching up on her. He managed to get beside her and winked at her as they ran neck and neck for a while before Valentine moved in front in a swift movement and spun around to face her, kicking dust and dirt into the air as he did so.
“I think.” He said as he pulled off his little manoeuvre. “I think, that’s my win.”
Grinning toothily at her he braced himself. She could: a) Manage to stop in time b) Swerve around him c) Crash into him
Whatever it was, Valentine could certainly make a good roadblock.
( ( ooc: sorry, it's really short and crappy...proabably hard to reply to...i don't know what's up tonight Dx ) )
.... ........ .. ........ ALL THE SOULS THAT WOULD DIE JUST TO FEEL ALIVE
|
|
|
Post by A S A R on Jul 2, 2010 18:50:36 GMT -6
IVE BEEN SO HOLLOW INSIDE!
Thinking it over, it amused Saga how different the two really were.
It seemed he had issues with ‘goodbye’. Saga was forced to understand ‘goodbye’ almost every day. He believed in love (or so she assumed). Love died for her a long time ago.
But there was one thing the two polar opposites had in common: they both clearly needed a friend.
Many say that opposites attract, no matter how much one tries to deny the fact. And that’s just what was happening with Saga. In one night she had grown closer to him than she had ever dared to with any other horse or wolf she had met other than her friend and it was deeply confusing her. She wanted his companionship but knew that all good times come to an end, in the back of her mind she was convinced the ill-fated path of life would tear her away from him and then she’d be left alone again. If there was one thing in the world that Saga feared most it was being alone.
And it had taken him to help her realize it.
For years she had buried the notion beneath emotions of tough love and indifference, trying to prove to herself that she needed no one else in the world but herself and the job she created for herself. Up until now her plan had been working quite well, she was focused on her ‘mission’ and allowed little time for stray thoughts or for the thirst of desire set in. The lack of sleep also helped her move in such a hollow manner. At the time (until now) if someone was to ask her if she was happy she’d mechanically say ‘yes’ and nod her head stiffly because she was forcing herself to believe that for her happiness was helping troubled spirits cross over to their second life and to help solve unfinished business. During that time she had successfully cut herself off from the world and allowed nothing to tie her down.
Unfortunately, Valentine had crash landed onto her path and was keeping her from going on like before.
Saga really wanted to believe that she didn’t need him, didn’t need anyone, didn’t need her friend, didn’t need her parents to survive. But the more she thought about it the more she realized that she had reduced her life to absolutely nothing. The grey mare noticed he had dropped back a bit his step losing its enthusiastic rhythm, and the lackluster of his laugh told her she had upset him again. Closing her eyes she squeezed out a tear. Perhaps a life of solitude was best for her; she clearly upset everyone she came across. The spirits. Her friend. Her parents. Valentine.
If there was one thing she could not stand it was watching ones she felt close to get hurt by her own doing.
Before she had a chance to think her eyes widened as he pulled ahead of her and abruptly stopped. Putting on the breaks she luckily stopped just a few inches from him, her face a few inches from his face. She then quickly realized she was still crying. Glad horses could not blush she quickly rubbed her eyes on her leg and looked back at him, taking a few steps back to avoid the headache. He had said he won, and she had to hand it to him- he sure as hell won. She’d have to remember that move. But she kept remembering his listless laugh and her heart sank, I believe I’ve upset you again, haven’t I? It was almost like a little child asking their parent what they had done wrong when they were in trouble.
This was the chief reason she didn’t create any ties to hold her down, and she felt obligated to explain.
You have to understand, Valentine that we become what we hang around. I’ve spent so long convincing myself that alone is best for me that I do not know how to interact with others that actually feel and have rational thought processes. It is why I do not hold back when I explain things; it is why I hurt everything I come across. You should know just as well as I do that goodbye comes when we least expect it, and I was never good with departures that would last a lifetime, so my defense mechanism has been to shut myself off and solely focus on what I believe my job is, which is to at least attempt to reduce the amount of voices in my head.
She took a deep breath and looked at the moon, it was setting, she could see the glow of the sun on the horizon.
The night was ending, her happiness was about to dissipate, the companionship she had gained tonight she knew would be lost the second she turned her back on him and went on her merry way. But to what consequence? What would happen to him when she left? Would he go back to the way she found him when she left? And what about her? Would life continue on the same as before? The emotionless trudge through her terrible life seemed like a strange thought to her know. The night had successfully turned into something that felt like an eternity. Looking back at the chestnut stallion she frowned and said, You are not good with goodbye either, are you?
OOC: Lies. Your post was just fine, look at all this post I have here! Clearly I had plenty to reply to <3
|
|
|
Post by * - - RENEGADE ! on Jul 3, 2010 15:48:18 GMT -6
LET'S CONSPIRE TO RE-IGNITE .. .. ... .. ... .. .. . .. ... She was crying.
She was crying and he could be sure that she was crying because he had been sorrowful. What empathetic creatures they had turned out to be. But it was a good thing that the tear had rolled down her cheek. At least, Valentine seen it as a good thing. For this proved –to him at least- that she had been lying about being hollow. As far as he knew, hollow beings could not cry.
And as she spoke, Valentine felt a prickling sensation at the corners of his eyes too.
She’d upset him. She’d upset him? No. Well, maybe yes. Maybe just a little. But maybe he was just too sensitive. Maybe the walls he had built around himself were finally starting to crumble from the pressure of years of unshed tears. Years of holding back. Years of keeping his distance.
And as she explained herself, he realised that she had been doing nearly the same as he had. Lying to herself. Shutting herself off. It was not a healthy lifestyle for anyone. Not him. Not her. Not anyone.
And still, he was unsure of what to say. Not for the first time that night, the words were rejected as nonsense before he would let them escape from his mouth.
Would he be lying if he told her she hadn’t upset him? Should he say that anyway? Would she even believe it? Valentine had no idea to word what he was thinking. It was complicated. Yes, she had upset him by what she had said. Yes, what she was saying now was greatly upsetting. But she hadn’t known it would hurt, she didn’t know it would hurt.
And it wasn’t her words that hurt. More like, it was his interpretation. Or that he knew where the words were leading. He didn’t like their destination as he knew it would inevitably lead to a goodbye. But how could he manage to explain these feelings to her? It was all jumbled inside his own head that even he could barely make sense of it. So how could he make her feel better?
Still, it couldn’t hurt to say something instead of letting a silence stretch out between them when she had stopped speaking. So he took his chance when she let her eyes settle on the ever descending moon. Why was it, when he wanted the night to last for once, why was it that it went by quicker when it usually passed painfully slow?
“Saga...” he spoke gently, letting her name roll off his tongue for only the second time that night. “Don’t think that you upset me. Please. It’s just...it’s just the thought of this wonderful night ending that has upset me. I felt alive for the first time in so long. I don’t want this night to end. I won’t let it. Please...don’t think you hurt everybody...you don’t...I don’t think it’s possible for you to do such a thing...you’re too soft. And you’re not some hollow, empty emotionless being either. If you were, you wouldn’t have laughed so gleefully. You wouldn’t be crying...I don’t want you to cry because of me. Not because of me...but...” A small smile graced his lips as he said this and he gazed at her with soft, kind eyes. “I think...we both need to shed some tears. I think we’ve been holding them in for far too long that they’ve already rusted our defences and are starting to leak out through the cracks. Maybe it would be better to cry...I’ve heard that tears have the ability to wash away some of the pain. Though I never really thought that was true until I shed some of my own earlier...”
His voice trailed off, quite unsure of what he should be saying now. Quite unsure if what he had just said had even made any sense. He had just given up thinking about the right thing to say and had instead allowed the words to breathe...But still, the meaning was still there. Carefully instilled in his words. And as depressing as they may be, he felt a certain amount of...contentment.
Wouldn’t it be perfect if they could just run off all their pain through tears.
But as much as it would release some of the pressure, he knew it wouldn’t rid them of it all. That was impossible. It wasn’t that easy to forget your troubles but maybe they could...let go of them. Not forget them. Not get rid of them. But let go of them. Stop relying on them to determine who they were now.
And to do that...wouldn’t they need a friend? Someone to help them? To share the weight with each other.
With his thoughts focussing on that, her next words came as a blow to him.
“Goodbye?” He allowed himself to smile sadly at the sight of her frown and looked deep into her pink-hued eyes. “Are you trying to tell me...that this is goodbye? That we’re each just going to go our separate ways as soon as the moon disappears from our sight? No. No, I don’t like goodbyes. And you don’t either. So why should we say them?”
As Valentine spoke his next words, his voice grew stronger and more determined. He was determined. Determined to not let this be goodbye. To not let their night end with the rising of the sun.
“You just said yourself that goodbyes come when we least expect it. I was expecting this, so it can’t be a goodbye. Please...can we not at least stay together? I don’t want to be alone again...I don’t want you to leave yet. I can help you, or at least keep you company while you do your job. So please...don’t let those words cross your lips...please...”
With the way he had been talking, one would have thought that their goodbye would be the last one they spoke to each other. But, with the way they both were, one may not have been wrong in thinking that.
.... ........ .. ........ ALL THE SOULS THAT WOULD DIE JUST TO FEEL ALIVE
|
|
|
Post by A S A R on Jul 4, 2010 8:34:11 GMT -6
IVE BEEN SO HOLLOW INSIDE!
He had caught her tears falling.
This irritated Saga, she should have never closed her eyes, should have just ran into him and not stopped, then he wouldn’t have noticed the tears, perhaps he would have even assumed her tears were not from sorrow but from pain. If she could, she would kick herself for not thinking it through. But why was she so determined to keep her entire being locked away behind steel doors? Had they not already addressed that opening up was perhaps the best thing to heal a broken heart?
Apparently Saga had not been listening.
It was a fault in her own personality; stubborn and unwilling to bend to anyone’s specifications even if such ideas were merely meant to help her. For the most part the small grey mare was happy with her own misery and preferred to stay in her box of discontent, like a turtle disinclined to travel very far from her shell. She had become so cozy and familiar with the lifestyle she lead that she feared the change a new set of ideals and way of life- the unknown (oddly enough for her) terrified the mare. Saga was used to knowing outcomes of things and knowing where one went when their time on the earth had expired, the very idea of not even knowing what could happen should she change just one tiny thing in her routine absolutely terrified.
With the choice to remain solitary and alone or to become happy and have travels filled with companionship set out before her, Saga was being forced to face her biggest fear.
Quietly she respectfully listened to him speak, her ears snapping back and she gained a defensive stance when he mentioned her crying, frowning she narrowed her gaze and stubbornly declared, What? I wasn’t crying. I don’t remember crying… She pushed out her lips and watched him. He would probably not be amused with her constant denial, and to be honest, she did feel a little lighter hearted now that a tear or two had escaped, but she did not want to change, she was steadfast in her old ways, too reluctant to take a step in the right direction towards salvation.
But Valentine was trying so hard.
How could she possibly deny him of his very own chance to make a difference on someone? Saga knew the feeling of helping, it was a warm feeling that spread from one’s toes up to the heart and out the top of the head- it made her feel like she was invincible and that she had a place in the world- like the world actually had a need for her powers. Her ears perked forward again when he mentioned goodbye. She had indeed been foreshadowing the sunrise, she had been planning to leave him the second the sun hit the horizon for fear that she’d get even more attached, but clearly he had other plans.
Plans of companionship.
Wasn’t a friend all that everyone was looking for in one way or another? Even the darkest hearted of evil secretly pined for someone that understood them. After all, wasn’t that what evil was; a misunderstood being with no friends and no shoulder to cry on? Saga had forgotten what it was like to have a shoulder to cry on, but the few hours she had spent with Valentine was quickly reminding her of what it was like to have a friend. Someone who listened to her when she spoke, someone who moved her to do different things in her life, someone who called forth the living being in her heart that had been dormant in hibernation since her friend had died.
Hesitantly she nodded as he spoke. They needed each other in more ways than either understood.
Saga could not help but smile as he turned her words upon her. She could lie and say that she wasn’t planning on leaving him, therefore her departure would have been expected, but he was right. She had unknowingly spoken wisdom that was now working against her and binding her to the gold stallion. In a way, she was irritated with herself, but mostly relieved that he was turning her words against her. A small but soft smile crossed her lips and she looked at the horizon- the sun was coming up, painting the sky a beautiful bright orange and yellow with pinks and purples mixed in, It seems you have trapped me in my own words. To be honest with you I had planned on running the second the sun came up because it is my nature, I am scared to change because I have no idea what will come with it- you’d think someone so used to dealing with the ‘unknown’ and death would have a better understanding of such a thing and wouldn’t fear it but out of everything in this world I fear change the most. However, I have truly forgotten what it was like to share thoughts with someone who understood how I felt. I thought the ghosts and dead understood me, but I must say- the dead are very selfish and I was a fool to think I could make friends out of the dead. She chuckled to herself and continued on, I find it ironic that you used the phrase ‘felt more alive’ to describe how this encounter has been, seeing that I am a being immersed in the dead. It is quite odd to hear that coming as a compliment directed towards me. But I must agree, you are right. All anyone ever needs in this war ravaged world is a friend- a companion to share the weight of their travels, we weren’t built to be like Atlas and bear the burden of the world on our shoulders. I would be more than honored if you chose to spend a little more time with me.
Saga felt awkward after she finished speaking and didn’t know what to do, so instead of saying anything else she turned to walk off and looked back at him waiting to follow, there was still a whole world out there to explore and plenty of dead waiting for her help!
As a friend, I must ask, since you know all about my powers, I do not recall you ever speaking once of yours. It would perhaps benefit me to know now then be surprised by them later on, no?
|
|
|
Post by * - - RENEGADE ! on Jul 4, 2010 14:00:47 GMT -6
LET'S CONSPIRE TO RE-IGNITE .. .. ... .. ... .. .. . .. ... Why was she doing this?
Valentine could not help but feel a little sorrowful for this mare. Why was she continuing to deny her feelings? To lock up her emotions, to hide them. The way she had pushed out her lip reminded him of a stubborn child, he knew it would be hard to get her to admit to her tears. Letting a heavy sigh escape his mouth, he decided he wouldn’t push it. She could be whatever way she wanted to be. “If you say so...”
If she wanted to believe that she hadn’t let herself cry, that she hadn’t shown that she was, in fact, a being of emotion, he would let her. It was enough for him to have seen her release some tears. Still, perhaps he should humour her childish denial. With a smile, he spoke again, words coming out in a teasing manner. “I guess it may just have been a trick of the light, not a tear I saw rolling down your cheek, eh? Or perhaps it was just a bit of rain. We do need some rain to bring a bit more life back to the lands, I guess.”
Changing the subject. It was an art he was highly skilled in, after practising it for years. He’d like to say that he had perfected that art to a degree where he could also change his outer emotions to match the subject change.
Even so, he still waited for her reply to his next words with bated breath. In fact, he didn’t even dare to breathe at all. Even with how much he had gotten to know her over these past few hours –had it really been hours? Had time really passed that quickly?- he still couldn’t figure her out. He couldn’t predict what she would say. If she would ignore what he had said and leave anyway. Leave to carry on her life as it was. To revert them both back to their previous states of loneliness.
But, this happiness was like a drug. Could either of them really give it up without serious repercussions?
Valentine just couldn’t go back to wandering alone again. Aimlessly. Just waiting for the day when he could finally die. He wanted to avoid that at all costs. Even if she said no, that this was indeed going to be their time to say goodbye, he could still not accept that and just travel with her anyway. Could she really stop him from doing so?
Although, even if he was scared of her answer, it had been reassuring to see her nod as he spoke and indeed to see a smile form upon her features.
Reassurance through these actions, however – as comforting as they may be- was not what he needed to still his pounding heart right now. But time seemed to really hate this stallion. It passed by excruciatingly slow as he waited for her response. Far slower than the hours they had let slip by them without even noticing. Time was indeed a strange and sometimes even cruel thing.
But finally, Saga’s mouth opened and delightful words fell upon his eager ears. It helped that she was smiling –however small it was- as she spoke. Although at first his heart had sunk as he thought she was going to deny his unasked request to travel together.
But the ‘goodbye’ never came.
Valentine threw his head back and let a joyful, relieved laugh resound through the night air. It made him incredibly happy that she would like to have him around for a little longer. That he wouldn’t have to go back to living alone.
Though he had to agree with her words that she had been foolish to try and make her only friends be the dead, he could understand it. The dead couldn’t die again. They couldn’t leave you with more pain and heartbreak again, surely. At least, as far as he understood, until you tried to bring them back.
“I will admit that you are a fool to think that, but I think I can understand your reasoning. And, it is not irregular to be scared of change. Change takes you out of your comfort zone. The surroundings, the beings, the feelings that you have gotten used to. It is terrifying to have them suddenly thrown out of disarray. But change is a part of life that helps us survive. It will always be there. No matter how scared we are of it, it is what may be necessary for our survival, for us to continue being happy. We must accept it.”
He offered her a gentle smile and continued on with her words, letting his blue gaze penetrate into hers.
“I guess it was ironic.” He chuckled lightly. “And no, we are not like Atlas. But we do each bear our own little world on our shoulders. Our pain, our sorrows, they all weigh it down. But our happiness and our joys help to lighten the load. And friends will also help us bear our world. We each help our friends to carry theirs and they help us carry ours simply by being in each other’s presence. That is why, deep inside, everybody longs for companionship. We are beings who are not meant to carry our burdens alone. Even if we may try sometimes and even fool ourselves into believing that we must always be alone. That belief will only be our demise. That is why it joys me more than you can imagine that you would allow me to travel with you. Just being in your presence tonight has really opened my eyes and freed me of my own self delusions. Thank you...”
He smiled warmly at her and bowed his head, indeed this night had taught him so much.
With a smile still in place, he followed her as she looked back at him after walking off a little way. He was overjoyed to be able to go with her under her own consent. And he couldn’t wait to be able to possibly help others with her. It must be such a fulfilling job, no matter how morbid it may be in her case, to help others with their troubles.
His smile dropped just a little as she asked him about his powers. Yes, it would be far better for her to known them now rather than wait until he accidentally burned her. That most certainly wouldn’t do.
“My powers are nothing special. I can manipulate flames, get them to act as I please. Although I cannot create them from thin air, I have found that my surroundings heat up when I get angry, and if the feeling of rage is great enough, they will heat so much that a small flame may appear. My own body is resistant to burns and sometimes I forget that this is not the case of others. But that’s really all there is to it, I’m nothing incredibly unique. But enough of that, I believe we have things to do, no?”
Valentine let his smile grow wide again and he trotted a little in front of her, looking up at the new dawn. Even with the sun poking its head up over the horizon, their goodbyes had never come and he hoped they wouldn’t for a long time. As far as he was concerned, his vocabulary had no room for that word. It didn’t need to exist.
Fuck ‘Goodbye’.
.... ........ .. ........ ALL THE SOULS THAT WOULD DIE JUST TO FEEL ALIVE
|
|
|
Post by A S A R on Jul 6, 2010 13:48:58 GMT -6
OOC: Hmm...there's not really much more to do here...want me to start another thread with Saga and you can bring Val in? They're so coot XD ♥
|
|
|
Post by * - - RENEGADE ! on Jul 6, 2010 14:07:24 GMT -6
ooc: that would be awesome <3 I love these two, probably one of the best and funnest rps I've had in a while :D ~<3
|
|
|
Post by A S A R on Jul 6, 2010 14:14:47 GMT -6
OOC: WELL. I KNOW HOW TO UP THE ANTE AND MAKE SOME DRAMA. SO HOLD ON TO YOUR HATS AND UNDERPANTS.
|
|